2012: My Year of Mothering

The close of the year is always a good time to reflect on the days gone by and that's what I was pondering as the year drew to a close. It was a big year for me so it took me this long to finish penning my thoughts!

2012 was a very different kind of year for me. It marked my first full year as a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mum). I officially had no - or negligible - income, gave my occupation as "Housewife" on all the forms I had to fill, and faced my kids 24/7. My heels lay languishing in the shoe cabinet, as did my work clothes in my wardrobe. My car became my new office, my shorts and t-shirts my default uniform. I wore my Melissa flats day in and day out, till one shoe split on me in December from overuse. I had to wake up earlier than ever, especially since Noey started attending the earlier session in school and I was the default driver. I did say my car was my new office, didn't I?

I'm glad that only one friend asked me how I was enjoying being a tai-tai. He duly received a dirty look in response.

As any Mum with young children would know, being a Mum is hard work. Whether you are a SAHM, a FTWM (Full-Time-Working Mum), a PTWM (Part-Time-Working-Mum), a WAHM (Work-At-Home-Mum) - don't we just love our acronyms? - the work never ends. You just juggle different balls, depending on which hat you happen to be wearing at that time.

There was certainly no tai-tai-ing for me, much as I would have welcomed that. In fact, I found myself with even less time than ever for myself. Since the kids and the household became my job, I felt I ought to be taking on the majority of the kid and home related tasks, and that's what I did. My Mum, who used take over the kids twice a week when I was working also decided to take a break, so I was on my own. I had a helper but she was new, which meant that time and effort had to be spent getting her up to speed as well.

It was incredibly overwhelming when I first started out. I had no plan and felt like I was fighting fires day after day, while the kids ran rings around me.

By and by, things fell into place. I started grasping what I had to do and hammering out ways to do it more effectively. I also started having more of a routine. Classes for the kids, marketing, planning/cooking lunch and dinner, household admin, playdates and outings were scheduled in. And in between, I squeezed out some time for myself too - for spots of shopping, lunch and dinner dates with friends and the husband, blogging, and bible study and fellowship.

One of the biggest blessings I have enjoyed this year is the opportunity I was given to get to know and enjoy the company of some wonderful, godly women who have made it their life's work to be there for their kids. I started BSF, and aside from the rich reward of studying God's word through the course of the year, I was encouraged by other Mums in the same class, in particular my group leader, who urged me to press on with being a SAHM when I was wavering under parental pressure to find some employment.

"You are the best person to bring up your kids, not anybody else," she said. And while there were days when I felt I wasn't up to scratch, I knew she was right.

I was also able to join a women's group in my church that, providentially, another sister-in-Christ felt called to set up. We only met once a month, but I treasured the time I could spend sharing and learning from other Mums, especially the older ones who are 过来人. When self-doubt plagues, and trust me, it does very often, having folks who have been through it offer encouragement, and pray for you, really makes a difference.

As they say, the days are long but the years are short. That is life with little children. It is more apparent to me than ever as I see the days of 2013 slip by even as I look back on the year that was 2012. I remember the interminable days when I would call DD tersely at 5pm and ask him what time he was coming home. All those seemingly un-ending days, gone in a flash.

The thing about being a SAHM to young kids is that for all your hard work, the results can be pretty intangible. You spend the whole day running after them, bathing them, changing diapers and clothes and wiping butts, feeding them, packing up after them and getting them to sleep while squeezing a bit of reading, a bit of art and craft, a bit of role-playing and playing with toys. You'll probably have to run an errand or two. But at the end of the day, you don't feel like you've accomplished anything at all. (And I don't even have to do the laundry or clean the house or cook on a regular basis!)

There are no lives saved, no big deals cut, and certainly no money made. (Hah.) After being part of a very goal and achievement-oriented society all my life, doing something with such long-term intangible results certainly takes some getting used to. I have much more to learn.

Yet for all that is mundane about the day-to-day, there is also many priceless moments. 

I really got to see my children grow up this year. 

Naomi started the year a baby and ended it a full-fledged toddler, and a cheeky one at that. She really is the family clown.

I got to see it all - her first step, the first time she leaped off the ground with both feet, the first time she climbed out of her cot. (Ok, I didn't actually see her climb out but it was I who found her walking out of her room into mine, to my immense shock.)

I watched as a switch flipped, and she added a word and another, and yet another, and started stringing them together in her own style. I was the one who, daily, cheered her little accomplishments, from feeding herself to doing jigsaws on her own. It was me she tried her impish smiles on as she tried to get unauthorised snacks or sought to get out of trouble. I was there looking on in amusement as she taught her Gor-gor to automatically use "Love you, Mummy!" and "Good night, Mummy!" and '"Thank you, Mummy!" by her sterling example. 

And yes, I noticed it, those moments as she slowly stopped calling me "Mama" and switched to calling me "Mummy". I am always sorry when that happens as it feels like my babies slip away when they stop calling me Mama. But I am comforted that in place of my baby, I now have a little girl. One who really doesn't think she's that little a girl. I know we are going to have a lot of fun together.

Noey too, has grown, from a little 3-year old to a slightly more mature, steadier, 4-year old.

He had a bit of a rough year in school and I was glad I was around to help him through that. It was his first full year in school and his teacher was rather young and inexperienced, so maybe it was to be expected. I'm also glad that I was able to watch him grow as a Gor-gor. To see the two children laughing together and having fun is really a great joy. I am liking 4-years-old.

So here we are at 2013. 

The obvious question that everyone has been asking me is: Am I going back to work? Well, I don't know. I never intended my SAHM position to be permanent, and yet, I can't see myself going back to a office-bound job. I had a couple of friends approach me to discuss potential part-time/work-from-home arrangements. It would be good if something pans out. But if not, I'll take it that this is my season to be at home. 

I've said it before it and it still rings true: I'm being a SAHM for me. It's what I think is best for the children, but also what I think is best for me, for now. I don't want to be that Mum, 10 years down the road, regretting that I had sacrificed for my children for naught. I don't consider it a sacrifice to be home with my children, for my children. A trade-off in some ways, yes, but also a privilege and something I'm happy to do, for them, and for me too.

Of course, I do sometimes have my doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing. 

There was this day when I was driving with both kids in the car and Noey was prattling along. I can't remember how we led into the conversation, but somewhere along the line, he piped up and said, "Next time when I am an adult, Mei-mei and I can live in our own house, and Mei-mei can drive me to work."

"Well, maybe you can drive Mei-mei to work," I said.

And that's when he dropped the killer line on me:

"Girls don't work!" he said dismissively.

I can tell you that at that point, the anything-boys-can-do-girls-can-do-better RGS girl in me really couldn't take it. Noey had to listen to a mini-tirade from his mother about how girls certainly did work and they - and I - were good at it. I don't think he really understood.

After that, I spent some time thinking about whether I was doing my children a disservice by staying at home. I came to peace when I resolved in myself that it is God's calling for me at this point in my life to be at home. There would be time to model the multi-faceted roles of a woman for my children in the years to come.

"Would you rather Mummy go out to work or stay at home?" I asked Noey.

"Stay at home! If not, who will look after me??" was his reply. And that was that. 

I've got lots of plans for 2013 - for home-improvement, self-improvement and child-improvement! And oh yes, blog-improvement too. Hee. Maybe I'll share more about all these in a subsequent post.

In the meantime, I'm glad to put 2012 behind me and look forward to God's guidance for the year ahead. 

Goodbye 2011

It's time for the annual recap! A little late this time because I've been really tired and keep falling asleep before I finish, but 2011 has to be given it's due before the chapter is closed.

1. Where did you ring in 2011?

At home, just DD and I and the TV. And a tipple.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had a general goal to try to love more, which I think I did, except in respect of my Christian walk. I think that has really taken a slump over the past year and is something I want to work on in the year ahead. I think I will make a couple more resolutions this year. It's a good way to get focused.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I gave birth! Little Naomi arrived in March to join our family. There was a bumper crop of babies this year, with Yvonne and Candice in Jan, Lyn in Feb, PF and Nish in May, Momo in Aug, my colleague HK in Sept, Grace in Dec. A dear friend also became a Mummy around the middle of the year through adoption and I am thrilled for their family.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. I actually don't remember attending a funeral this year, which has to be some kind of record.

5. Did you know anybody who got married?

Only my dear sister this year.

6. What countries did you visit?

Only Sydney, Australia in Dec. I think this has been our lowest tally in YEARS.

7. Were you in school anytime this year?

Nope.

8. How did you earn your keep?

I didn't actually work much this year. I was on maternity from Mar to mid-Aug. Then at the end of Oct, I quit my part-time job as legal counsel position, to earn my keep as a SAHM with the support of my dear husband. Thankfully he's been appreciating the things I've been doing around the house so I've been earning it in that respect!

9. Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yes, to give birth. A good reason if there is any to go to the hospital.

10. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

To have better sleep. And more me time for myself and couple time with DD, doing adult things like catching a movie! We'll start with catching Wicked with the tickets my sis and BIL bought for us for Christmas.

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Managing 2 kids all on my own when DD was at work, and my helper was on home leave. Everyone came out from it relatively unscathed!

12. What was your biggest failure?

My relationship with my Mum. I just can't seem to get it right with her, which is depressing.

13. What was the best thing you bought?

The iPad2? It has kept Noey occupied and gives me uninterrupted time to feed Naomi and put her to sleep when I really need it.

14. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Noey, for the positive way in which he took Meips' arrival. We thought it would be more difficult because he's really sticky to me and was rather negative before her birth, but he turned out to really love his little sister. Just not when she reaches for any of his toys. We'll work on that this year.

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Ah, this question. This year, it would be an ex-colleague who took offence at what I wrote last year in response to this question. I didn't name names, but she took it to refer to herself, and even more amazingly, chose to escalate the matter in the workplace. Thankfully nothing came of it. Friends were appalled and I was (slightly) depressed.

16. Where did most of your money go?

To baby stuff. Even though it's our 2nd time around, there's still stuff to get. Besides, she's a girl...

17. What did you get really excited about?

Noey starting school!

18. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Hark the Herald Angels Sing in Chinese (specifically 听啊！天使报佳音, which was the verse he sang). This was the song Noey danced to in his first ever school concert this year. Oh, and I think I Wanna Marry You by Bruno Mars, which was my sister's march out song for her wedding.

19. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Much happier.

20. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner! I've really shed weight after birth this time, but my Mummy tummy still lingers.

21. Richer or poorer?

Poorer, I guess, since I no longer draw an income.

22. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I cooked more. I miss my own cooking and my experiments in the kitchen.

23. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Same as last year -- I wish I'd spent less time fiddling with my iPhone. It's a bad habit that's getting worse. Oops.

24. How did you spend Christmas?

Church in the morning, lunch at Josh & Mich's place, and dinner at Uncle KW and Aunty SH's place. We also had Christmas Eve dinner at our place the night before.

25. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Yes, with my new baby girl. She is the cutest thing ever.

26. What was your favorite TV program?

Junior Masterchef. Those kids are amazing! Masterchef was good too. I watched a lot of cooking programmes this year.

27. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, I choose not to hate anyone -- the feeling of hate, it eats you up.

28. What was the best book you read?

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. What a controversy there was around this book! It was a good, easy read, and it made me think a lot about the way I was brought up and how I want to parent my kids.

29. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hi-5? I realise it's actually pretty good!

30. What did you want and get?

A beautiful, healthy baby girl.

31. What did you want and not get?

A Stokke highchair. DD is dead set against getting one because of it's "ridiculous price" (I quote).

32. What were your favorite films of this year?

I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and Foster on the flight back from Sydney in December, both of which I enjoyed. If not, it was another unmemorable year at the movies.

33. What did you do on your birthday?

Japanese lunch with Audrey followed by a pedicure treat, and dinner at Salt with DD, my sis and BIL.

34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Maternity Wear transitioning to Nursing Wear. I got quite sick of the loose clothes though, and towards the end of the year, started moving back to my old casual chic style. I am planning a wardrobe revamp in 2012.

35. What kept you sane?

Playdates and Girls Days/Nights Out with girlfriends. It helped to be around good company, even when the kids were around. Of course, it was better without kids!

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Chen Show Mao. Haha!

37. What political issue stirred you the most?

The General Elections from the sidelines, and the Presidential Elections from a more involved point of view. It was an interesting year.

38. Who did you miss?

I miss my old helper. I wish she didn't have to go home.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Good friends are to be treasured. While it takes effort to keep a relationship going, with good friends, it is well worth it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
'Cause it won't be like this for long

~ Darius Rucker, It won't be like this for long.

How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (excellent)?

I'll rate 2011 a 7. The bright spot in the year was the our little Miss Naomi's arrival. That's what saves this year from being a 6.  As much as we love her, it doesn't detract from the fact that it's been a tiring year, going through all the newborn madness again. My helper went on a month's home leave and then had to go home permanently, leaving me scrambling to find a replacement and re-train someone new. DD also had a more demanding year in the office, which didn't help. My father went back to work and my mother couldn't cope with both kids, so DD and I took the decision to have me stop work. It was only after that that my year took an upswing.

Seeing both Noey and Naomi grow has been the best part about being home. Noey has grown so much this year, he is almost unrecognisable from the baby I knew at the start of the year. He started school in the middle of the year and that was one of the big turning points in his life. It took him a month before he stopped crying when I dropped him off, but it was the start of him being more independent. He now plays with other children and has his own friends. And he's full of funny observations and creative stories. Oh, and he's reading now too. When he's not being whingey, I really enjoy his company. Little Meips, well, she's really becoming her own little person. And what a stubborn, loud little girl with attitude she's turning out to be. I foresee trouble for us when she grows up

DD and I, we have good periods and not-so-good periods. It's not been bad really, but quite often we're both doing our own thing at home, co-existing rather than spending time together. I think we need a better balance between unwinding on own own and being together. We also need to get out more!

With family, well, let's just say that things could be better. I need a lot of prayer on this.

Speaking of prayer, my spiritual life took a nosedive this year. Perhaps that's why everything has seemed so difficult. I need the Lord's help to bring me back on track.

On the work front, I'm happy to have left. I realise that my personal limit seems to be about 5 years at one job, judging from, my past 2 jobs! I think that is a decent length of time before it becomes time to move on. I haven't decided when I will go back to work yet, but it should be sometime next year. In the meantime, I've thrown myself into my current role of being at home full-time. I'm trying to organise the home a little better, decorate, run errands, look after the children and involve them in activities, and improve our meals. In 2012, I aim to improve my cooking, in particular my Chinese food. DD is eagerly looking forward to that.

With friends, I think I've reached the stage where I rarely make new friends anymore. Instead, it was more of keeping up with the old. I'm glad I managed to do that fairly well this year, despite having a new baby. Friends keep me afloat. I need and crave the interaction. That's what makes all the difference, especially when I now am no longer able to "escape" to the office. In this respect, I am in a good place, and 2012 looks promising too.

Whew.

And with that, it's into the new year we go!

2010: Year In Review

I was at a lost over how to recap on the year when I came across this list and thought it would be a good place to start!

1. Where did you ring in 2010?

I actually can't remember, which means I was, in all likelihood, at home with both DD and Noey asleep in bed and me tap-tap-tapping my year-end round-up on my laptop. Hmmm, sounds like what I did this year, except that DD was awake! I really should plan something more exciting next year.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't really make any last year, but I will this year, because I am all into making lists! (It's the pregnancy hormones, I'm sure.) Watch for it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A couple of friends gave birth near the beginning of the year (like Momo) and a couple of my colleagues towards the end of the year, but no one really close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Again, no one really close. A couple of elderly relatives on both DD's side of the family and mine did pass on. My 四姨婆's passing was the one that made the most impact since I remember her fondly from annual CNY visits and in between, but at least she lived a full life. Our church mate Joseph was also called home suddenly to the Lord at 40. Our heart still goes out to his family.

5. Did you know anybody who got married?

Friends/family whose weddings we attended: Weng Soon & Adelene, Allen & Celia, Yining & Susanna, Winston & Lilin.

6. What countries did you visit?

Johor, Malaysia in June and Sydney, Australia in Oct-Nov. It was a VERY DRY year for trips.

7. Were you in school anytime this year?

Nope. I did think about it this year, more because I really just want to leave the country and further studies would be the perfect excuse. Hah. But after doing the math, I tried to convince DD that it would be more worth it to just use the money to be spent on a Masters and move to another country for a year-long sabbatical. He was, sadly, not impressed with the idea.

8. How did you earn your keep?

Working part-time as a legal counsel in the same company that I've been with for 4 years now. In this time I have become the 2nd longest serving person in my department. Things have changed a lot, but my part-time arrangement is sweet and I'm not ready to give it up quite just yet.

9. Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yes, for a D&C after a miscarriage. Not something I ever want to live through again.

10. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

To go to sleep sharing my bed only with DD. And to get my elbow back permanently!

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Renovating and moving house while pregnant and suffering through the first trimester. The house has some way to go to being finished the way I like it but I'm so glad that part is over!

12. What was your biggest failure?

Getting Noey to sleep on his own, in his own room. I tried when we moved to our new home, but he kept waking in the middle of the night and crying for me and it got too tiring to walk over every night so he's back in our room, on the floor.

13. What was the best thing you bought?

Our new apartment! We've got twice the space now, which is really awesome.

14. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Can't think of anyone...

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A new (and unfortunately senior) colleague. Friends know the details.

16. Where did most of your money go?

To our new apartment (see #8 above). We'll be paying for it for a looooong time to come.

17. What did you get really excited about?

The World Cup and the YOG. I love sporting events.

18. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Noey singing "Joy to the World", his ultimate favourite Christmas carol.

19. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier, I think.

20. Thinner or fatter?

Definitely fatter, especially with this 1.5kg baby inside me.

21. Richer or poorer?

There's more money in our bank account, but ultimately poorer. (See #11 above)

22. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I'd spent more time with my siblings. I barely see them these days, especially my sister. And since I've moved, I've seen my brother less too. I miss them both.

23. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I wish I'd spent less time fiddling with my iPhone. My best friend/constant companion, as DD calls it. I want to be more in the moment with the people I'm with in the year ahead.

24. How did you spend Christmas?

With family. And on Christmas Day, with a screaming crying wreck of a son.

25. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Only a little deeper, with my 2 boys.

26. What was your favorite TV program?

Glee! (I'm behind, but box sets are my friends.)

27. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, while I there are people I dislike, I don't hate anyone -- the feeling of hate, it eats you up.

28. What was the best book you read?

Lee's Law: How Singapore Crushes Dissent by Chris Lydgate. It was a depressing read though.

29. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Glee?

30. What did you want and get?

A ring for my 5th wedding anniversary. DD gifted me a trilogy diamond ring as my Anniversary-Christmas-Push present all in one. It's huge and shiny and I LOVE it.

31. What did you want and not get?

Besides another Balenciaga bag? (Hur hur.) Probably the party I wanted to throw for our 5th wedding anniversary. The ring was a good substitute though.

32. What were your favorite films of this year?

What films?? We barely watched any films this year, though I really wanted to watch Inception. And Eat Pray Love.

33. What did you do on your birthday?

We checked into the Capella at Sentosa for the weekend and all 3 of us had a really great time just lazing in the hotel and going to the beach. We also had dinner with my family at Thanying at Amara Sanctuary, and on Sunday, my sister and Francis came to babysit Noey for a few hours so that DD and I could go watch a movie with the Gold Class tickets they had bought us for my birthday present. Gold class was great, Sex & the City 2 wasn't. And on my actual birthday, which was a Monday, DD brought me out to Tangs for a spot of shopping. BCBG dresses on sale plus the 20% birthday voucher meant that I was a very happy camper.

34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Maternity Wear. How extremely unexciting. I've got to get out of T-shirts SOON.

35. What kept you sane?

DD, who always keeps me balanced. And online shopping.

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Maybe the German football team. I thought their run-up to the semis as underdogs was inspiring. Or Andrés Iniesta. Or Paul the "psychic" octopus!

37. What political issue stirred you the most?

The ridiculous Mas Selamat "he was hiding in his brother's house while we searched the jungles" fiasco.

38. Who did you miss?

My best friend in the UK, Daphne. Whatsapp helps.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

God is in control. (It's nothing new, but I think relearning old lessons is just as important.)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so

How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (excellent)?

I'd give 2010 a 7.5. There were many ups, the chief of which was watching my little man blossom from a baby into the little boy that he is now, full of quips and a ton of opinions. He really isn't a baby anymore, though he still insists that he is "a BIG baby". There were challenging moments of course, but by and large, he hasn't been too difficult and I've enjoyed watching him become his own person.

Physically this has been a difficult year for me. I was just remarking to DD that I spent almost the whole year pregnant, April and May being the only 2 clear months. 6 months worth of first trimester queasiness and discomfort was not fun, not to mention the pain from the loss that we suffered. I was also got sick more often than I usually do, which made the first trimester morning whole day sickness feel worse. The coughing made me throw up a lot -- whereas I threw up maybe 4-5 times while pregnant with Noey, I've lost count this time round. That said I'm very much looking forward to holding our new baby in 2 months.

On the work front, it was a rather boring year. My department has changed quite a bit since I first joined and I miss the old set-up. In particular, I missed an ex-colleague and mentor badly. She was really more a friend than a colleague and since she left at the end of 2009, I've missed her presence in the office. I get along with a couple of my other colleagues, but it's not the same. Plus the fact that I'm only in half the time makes me rather detached from the ongoing office life. Anyway, I think I'm going to be missing in action even more next year as my career takes a further backseat.

At least my relationships with have been on the upswing. We managed to catch up with some old friends and grow deeper relationships over the year, for which I am grateful. I have friends from different groups pregnant together with me and I look forward to trading Mummy tips and having friends around to meet up with during maternity leave!

DD and I are also in a better place compared with 2009. Moving to our new home has resulted in DD being able to be home from work much earlier than before, which I really appreciate. I love the fact that we are able to have more family time everyday. We have also had a lot more couple time as we try to catch up over dinner once a week after work, when I get my parents to send Noey home and the two of us head out for dinner. It's usually nothing fancy but it is a great opportunity to just catch up. We do, naturally, end up talking about Noey a fair bit but I make a conscious effort to talk about other things! DD continues to be a loving and involved Papa, while making sure that I know that I come first and I love him for that. I look forward to seeing how we juggle 2 kids next year.

I think the only blip continues to be my relationship with my parents, in particular, my Mum. I appreciate what she does but I always don't seem to show it the way she wants. And so we continue on this merry round of occasional misunderstandings, hurts, showdowns and careful treading. Sigh. God grant me grace to work on this in the coming year.

2011 is already upon us. I wonder what it would bring?

Happy New Year, one and all! Make it a good one.