The Burden of Expectations

Sometimes I look at my little son (and think about my other little one on the way) and wonder: what will our relationship be like when they grow older? When Mummy is no longer the centre of their universe? When they have their own lives to lead, their friends and later on, their own families? What do I want it to be like?

I have a funny relationship with my mother. I think you can call it a love-hate relationship. I think it stems from the fact that she and I are really alike in temperament (much as I would like to deny it), but with some really fundamental differences in certain values. My mum yesterday said that I'm ang mo pai -- I care only about my own immediate family and not my extended family. It hurt, cos I do think I care about my parents and my siblings quite a bit, though yes, I guess I do put my own family first in some respects, but mainly because I feel more responsible for them -- DD, Noey and Baby #2.

I think one of my failings is that I apply the same standard to myself as I do to my folks. I really don't mind if you forget my birthday or not get me a present. I might be very slightly disappointed, but I certainly wouldn't hold it against you. I don't need coddling. I like being independent. I find my own way and I don't expect my parents to bail me out. I am casual with what I say cos I think hey, it's family after all, and if I'm not free to speak my mind with them then who would I be free to do so with? I don't expect much from you, so I don't expect you to want much from me.

Unfortunately, my mum really really expects more from me and and would not mind if I expected more in return. To her, I'm inconsiderate. As a result, every once in a while I get these talks where different instances of my failings are pointed out and I get asked to change. The thing is, I'm not sure how much I can really change. It doesn't help that my dear husband is even more independent-minded than I am, and my dear sister, who is the thoughtful one in the family, is soon to be married to a guy who is even more thoughtful and 自动 than she is. Arrrrgh. Watch me die a slow and painful death after the wedding...

But one thing's for sure -- I will have to TRY HARDER to match up to expectations. I have to. Honestly my instinct and my preferred course of action is just to take on everything on my own and not rely on my family for anything, just so as that I can free myself from all expectations. I dream of flying off and forging another life in another country (with DD and Noey of course). I'm sure I can manage weekly calls, sending cards/presents, hosting the occasional visit. But it wouldn't be right to cut myself off like that either, and I know it. So it's back to trying harder, with God's grace.

But anyway.

There is lots to ponder in this as well, from the perspective of being a mother myself -- questions of what kind of person I want Noey to be when he grows up, and also, what my expectations of him will be when we are both adults. I pray that as we both grow, we will find our way. I don't want to be a burden -- I know I want him to walk free, and I pray I will be strong enough to let him do that.