I see this picture of Noey and Nomi together and I wish it reflected the reality of a loving and close relationship between the two.
The truth, however, is far from it. Noey is -- currently -- quite possibly the worst brother EVER. Everyday I find myself having to tell him at least 20 times or more:
"Don't hurt Mei-mei!"
"Don't push her!"
"Don't snatch things from her!"
"Noey, you are not allowed to shout and smack Mei-mei. Only Mummy can do that if she's naughty."
"Be gentle with her."
"Share, Noey. Just let her hold it for a while."
It is tedious and tiring and the message does not seem to be sinking in. I've tried showing him how to share by giving Nomi some other toy instead if she's holding what he wants. I've tried "do unto others what you want done unto yourself" lectures and demonstrations. I've tried giving them separate sets of toys and drawing a clear divide between the two. I've tried to show him how to play with Nomi, gently. Nothing works.
And dear Nomi -- she's always holding out stuff to her Gor-gor. She loves to play "give" and pretend-feed. I point out how she is sharing her things with him and he just takes them away from her.
In desperation the other day when he was whining and crying and kicking up a fuss about something or other, I grabbed him unto my lap and started praying with him and for him. It calmed him down some that day. And it opened my heart and mind to the fact that I really should be praying more that God would build the relationship between my children.
Noey is bright but has a low EQ. He does, however, know his own heart.
One night sometime recently, DD was asking Noey if he loved us, Papa and Mama.
"Yes!" he replied.
"A bit, medium or alot?" asked DD.
"Medium," he said honestly.
"So who do you love a lot?" asked DD.
Noey thought about it for a short while and said, "Myself."
And it is very true.
(DD went on to tell him that he had to love himself at a medium level, and that he could love everyone else at a medium level, but he had to love Jesus a lot.)
I remind myself to keep praying for them. Not just their physical well-being but their spiritual one as well.
And since I planned and started on this post, there's been a small breakthrough as well. Today DD and I watched as the two kids had fun chasing each other and running around the house squealing. "Come, Mei-mei," said Noey, and we watched him give instructions to Nomi. I remarked to DD that it was the first time I'd seen him actually willingly playing with Nomi in a way that did not involve squishing her somehow. He is still too rough and likes to go too near, but it's an improvement. And I'll keep on praying.
noey will figure out soon enough how to be a good gorgor!
ReplyDeletein the meantime, meips will learn how to play rough too. ;)
she's already learning to hang on tight to what she's holding and SCREAM when you try to take it away from her!
DeleteThis post actually reminded me to pray, instead of screaming at my eldest, which i find myself doing that rather frequently nowadays, guiltily. MUST remember to PRAY.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have those moments. Me too. Yes, take the time to seek the Lord for his help!
DeleteThank you, this reminded me to pray and not react in anger when the children misbehave. And i have the opp issue - nat is a share & care gorgor which i am v thankful for, while min is the aggressive one, always wanting whatever nat has in the hands AND slapping/hitting him!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome -- we're all here to remind and support each other too! Nat is such a sweet gor-gor lah!
DeleteI'm so glad I'm not the only one who's been nagging my older boy to be gentle with the sister, share with her and not to push... haha... Although, recently, I find myself teaching the sister to do likewise - don't hit gor gor, don't snatch gor gor's toys... hahaha..
ReplyDeleteI don't know about Noey but despite all the rough plays and seemingly selfish behaviours, my boy told me many times that he loves his sister. And I even heard him call his sister in his sleep one night. Ha.. I guess it's a matter of showing them how to love in a Godly manner.
Yes, Noey's time is coming soon! Naomi is already getting better at standing up for her rights. Praying that our kids will learn to love each other in a Godly manner sooner rather than later :)
DeleteHi Bean.. Been a silent reader of ur blog.. Enjoy ur writings. :)
ReplyDeleteHv been reading this book by Dr Louise Porter, Children are people too.
Without being overly long winded, one of the methods she does suggest is to use the empathy method. That is to say rather than go "don't push her!" , change the focus on Meips and say "Mei Mei will get hurt."
This way, it would be trying to make him see the consequence of his action on the aggravated party and perhaps see the error of his ways.
Easier said than done, I know, but worth a try. Just my 2cents worth.. Hope it helps. :)
In the meantime, my encouragement to u is that prayer moves the hand of God, and we only need faith as small as a mustard seed to move mountains.
Have a great day & God bless!
Hi there, thanks for your encouragement! Means a lot to me to hear from readers!
DeleteI have heard of that method but admittedly have not tried it too often. Sometimes I feel Noey has no empathy! But thanks for the tip, I will try this more regularly. Sounds like an interesting book you're reading! Would you recommend it?
Hi Beanbean
DeleteThe ideas in the book are quite interesting, but the further I get into the book, I'm feeling that the writer is writing from a very theoretic point of view. Much easier said than done, esp in the face of screaming kids etc.
So from ideas standpoint, an ok read. From a practical day to day, I would say don't bother. There are prob other good parenting books out there which would prob be better. Need to maximize whatever me time u hv.. I borrowed this out of the national library, so if u r interested, can borrow. But not available at all branches, so I reserved the book for $1.55 for pick up at a convenient library.
Cheers & God bless
Darienna
This post got me thinking of how Kate seems to mimic Beth (walking, mumbling) more than the reverse these days - she gets a real kick out of it. Kate does the snatching thing too, and Beth usually just gives in. Kate does agree to give mei mei "a turn" though.
ReplyDeleteBeth has become the one who doesn't know her strength, since she tends to pick things up and smack them onto her sister's face/head with the most innocent face. Think she means to "pat"/ interact with her sis?? She does sign "sorry" though usually her cheeky grin shows that the lesson hasn't quite sunk in sigh!